Rant/Compain

That was the biggest fucking crock of shit ever. The rest of the store only worked eight hour shifts and got all if their breaks. We worked twelve and almost didn't get any of ours. Almost every person in the store was a cunt. I got yelled and snapped at by almost everyone who "needed" something. My leg gave out twice and after about six hours Fade had to carry me around because I forgot my medicine but, WASNT ALLOWED TO LEAVE. All Mark did was snap at everyone. We got lied to about when we were allowed to go early and got more shit to do. Poor Fade had a panic attack because some ass hole wanted to walk around the store with one of those toy guns with the percussion caps. I ended up sitting in the fixture room with him for an hour and then Mark had to put his two sense in and tel him to calm down, which never helps. Then when we were finally allowed to leave some bitch in the parking lot decided to scream at me because we didn't have something in stock anymore. I've been up for 26 hours and was on my feet for more than half of it and they wanted us to go back in later, fuck no. And, lie always Mark tried to play nice when we left with all the thank you bull. I just got home and it's like 9am. I'm going to lay down. I'll be back between 1 and 3 my time. Fuck today.

So, last night I was making cookies. I ALWAYS listen to music while I bake. ALWAYS. And, Britt's mom asked me to turn it down. Whatever, turned it down some. She askes again like fifteen minutes later, I tell her "Just a minute, cause I had cookie dough all over my hands. Ten seconds later she unplugs the radio and starts snapping at me "I don't know why you have such a hard time listening to me when I tell you to do something!" I plug it back in and she gets all pissy about it. Then, later, starts acting like nothing happened. Leaves the house with Logan. They get back and Logan told me that she just wanted to go look at some Christmas stuff. Jordyn turns around and looks at him, "That's not what you told me." So I ask him what he told Jordyn and in one of those hushed, I've been caught voices, "She wanted to go talk to Brittnay about the argument earlier." So instead of being an adult she talks shit about me behind my back and tries to make it look like its all my fault. Tells Logan a bunch of shit about how she's tired of my bullshit and it pretty sure that everyone else is too and that I treat everyone else like slaves. I don't fuckng talk, what bullshit? And she tells Logan that it's just between them. I only know that because Jordyn told me in tears because she was afraid of getting in trouble. I went to get a shower. Come back out, Brittnay took it apon herself to have Logan lock my radio in the garage, since it was all my fault. Dad got it out this morning so I would have it. He even told me that what Brittnay did was fucked up. I didn't do shit, even though her mom told everyone that I turned the radio back up. And she drug Jordyn into it. I wanted to type this all out last night but, I've literally been having panic attacks since like 6pm last night over it and its 10:30am now. I flipped the fuck out at work to the point I couldn't do anything. Fade give me a couple halved Xanax so I could ar least finished my shift and made me eat since I hadn't at all. He wouldn't let me go home alone eventhough i had stuff to do after work. He took care of me. He's sitting with me now so I don't have to be alone at all because, literally as we were coming uo the street I couldn't breath. It's just like living with my fucking mother again. I get punished. I'm the bad guy. It's all my fault. Jordyn has he Christmas concert for band tonight and I really want to gobut I keep having attacks. We were supposed to all go pick out a tree. I probabky can't do that either. I'd be totally fucked expect Fade has to have his Xanax with him at all times and he's nice enough to share even thoh he shouldnt. I'm gonna try and nap a little. I really don't know what to do and my chest hurts again. Fade said he's stay as long as I needed him to... So at least I have someone to hug me. And there's a 20 minute gap at work I don't even remember. He said I was just sitting in one of the isles shaking. I literally remember walking into the isle and then he was holding me in the break room. I feel so sick...

I'm dying of depression and loneliness and everything hurts.
And I'm the one to blame. I push people away, I isolate myself. I purposely hurt myself, my chances.
I hate myself, I hate who I am, I hate me. I've become nothing. I'm nobody. I have no direction and little tasks take all day to complete. I have to force myself to get out of bed when I wake up because it's just not right to hide in bed for 14 hours.
I have to make a fucking checklist like a 6 year old for simple tasks.
I have no motivation to even live at this point. I'm disgusting and mentally unstable and it's all my own fault for letting this happen to me.
It's punishment because I hate myself.

I really wish I could help more.. I'm sorry. It's not your fault though, you shouldn't hate yourself. You're not worthlss. I hope you feel better soon.

I'm hollow. I'm emotionless, yet full of emotion at the same time. I'm also struggling with gender identity. So if we could just, not refer to me as male that would be great..

It's not you're fault though. You shouldn't blame yourself for it at all. Everyone struggles sometimes, it's okay. I'm always here for you, you know that. You're my best friend no matter what, I want you to know that too.. No matter what. I can do that for you too. It's okay.

I have to go to work but, you can always PM me if you want to talk in private. I'll always answer you as soon as I can. I've been worried because you seemed out of sorts but, I know you don't like talking about it so, I left it be and figured that you'd talk when you were ready. I'm glad you decided to let us know something was wrong so that maybe we can help. That's what friends are for after all. I'll always accept you no matter what. You're one of the best friends I could ever have asked for, through thick or thin, and I love you so, so much. If you need anything, please let me know. I'll do whatever I can for you. You're so important to me, Kintoshi. So, so important, even if you don't feel like it. I hope you feel better soon.

It iced last night so, the roads were horrible.  It's normally a 10 minute drive, it took nearly 30.  They didn't pretreat the parking lot at all, it was literally a sheet of ice and I twisted my bad leg.  We had like 5 call outs (not that I blame them) and a huge truck.  And then Mark was a dick as usual. I did most of market which is isle 16-35 by myself and then all of bulk seasonal.. The only good thing that happened this morning was they let Fade out of the hospital early and he came to see me at the store and brought me home so I didn't have to walk in it.  He was so excited to be able to pick me up and actually hug me.  And then, I got home from work and Dad asked how it was so, I told him it was crappu and he asked why.  I don't know why he bothered to ask when he didn't really care at all.  He kept trying to either inturupt me or change the conversation.  Then he got mad when I just stopped talking and went to get the phone and call Fade to loop back around and pick me up.  I was in tears at work this morning and then it got a little bit better but, I'm not even allowed to have that comfort I guess.  I seriously feel like Fade is the only one over here who cares at all.  He's always around when I need him no matter what but then, I come home and get treated like shit. And, he always ends up feeling bad because there isn't a lot he can do and 95% of the time he's own emotional, feeling usless wreck. I really wish he wasn't that way. He doesn't deserve it at all and I know it fucks with him bad a lot of the time but, he just wants me to be okay because he knows he can't be okay but, feels like someone should get to be okay. And, I end up feeling really bad since I don't have much to offer at all, and he's always so nice. So, I'm pretty much just sitting on his couch crying right now because, I don't feel like I belong much of anywhere and my family is too busy doting over themselves to see how much I hurt and I don't even know what I'm saying anymore so, I'm just gonna stop..

OKAY HERES A LONG THING THAT IS OPTIONAL TO READ
Very long story shortened, I tried to kill myself through overdose. I told my therapist and psych that I don't remember taking all the pills, mainly because I don't want to have the "suicide isnt the answer" talk, but I genuinely do not remember anything for roughly a week after taking them. I dont even remember what exact day it was when I tried to overdose. I'm still kinda physically not feeling well stomach-wise, and I can't really properly eat without feeling nauseous. I don't even want to think about alcohol because I feel bad for my liver. And so what does my mom do when her daughter takes 60+ pills to try and kill herself? Not take me to the hospital, let them sit in my stomach and damage me, and she grounded me. She let me go to Roses for New Years, because I tried overdosing like a week before Christmas, so I think she just wanted me out of the house so she could go out plus she wasn't as pissed anymore, and she sent me to Gabrielles house a few times, because she doesn't trust me home alone anymore. It's really scary, not remembering a week of my life, and everything that I know about that week was told to me today at therapy. Before she realized that I overdosed, and found all the pills I was hiding in my bag, she took me to therapy that day and my therapist said she's never seen one of her patients look so fucking terrible. So I had to get my meds changed (lol kill me) and my mom is /finally/ letting me start seeing my friends again, this weekend hopefully. Slightly hurt still that I don't remember Christmas though. I don't remember literally anything (besides taking pills), but I was still having conversations with people and stuff. It's terrifying. BUT ON THE BRIGHTSIDE, I dyed my hair black and it's really cool!! I'm starting to get my privileges back and maybe, cross ur fingers, will get to see my boyfriend that my mom doesnt know I have soon, if she will just pls leave me home alone. Emotionally, I feel so much better about everything, My sister is in Germany for 14 months, but she sent me a really nice postcard and we Skype all the time. It's kinda weird how I can come out of this and not feel absolutely terrible, but I feel like maybe for real I'm starting to get better- that or whatever meds I'm taking are doing something. This is rlly long so I'm gonna end it here.

All Mark did was yell and bitch this morning, and I ended up having a panic. Like, I didn't even come home right away because, she doesn't go to work until like 5. And, poor Gina is gonna be homeless and living in her car because his wife is a selfish bitch and I mean, I'd totally give her the couch if I could. She offered the food stamps she gets and that. She just needs a place to sleep and I can't give it to her. The only reason her wife wants a divorce is because Gina is schizophrenic/bi-polar and on meds but, her wife doesn't like the fact that she has to be medicated so, Gina stopped taking her meds for the ass hole and that wasn't good enough either. I told her, if she just wants to bullshit, she's more than welcome to hang out with me and the guys. She's real nice and everyone gets along with her. And I'm exhausted but, too stressed to sleep or do anything and I just want to curl up in a corner and cry...

So, I finally kinda slept last night.. Which is why I poofed, oops... And then, I was up for a few minutes and went back to sleep. Woke up five minutes before I had to be out the door. Got dressed, shirt was backwards, didn't have my wallet, didn't have my watch, didn't have my messenger bag, didn't have Kelly's stuffs, barely got my shoes on...
Work was shit. On top of being exhausted and my head hurts cause of it. Yelling at me isn't going to help at all. Didn't have no money for food. Though, at this point, I'll probably just throw it up anyways.
I'm so tired and nauseous and am sick of feeling sick. I'm starving but, I can't keep anhthing down. I'm exhausted but can't sleep for more than an hour at a time.
And everyone keeps telling me all about how they understand. No you don't! You don't get like this! I make a mention of it and all of a sudden I'm so frail, sickly person with a problem!
"Well, how did you end up like that?" "Can't you go to the doctor?" Like, I'm some fucking diseased person and they'll catch it. Like it's my fault.
I just want to curl up in a ball and die right now.

So, Dad wanted me to pick up his inhaler. Fine. He said it would be like five bucks. I didn't really mind, he kind of needs it. I go back to see Dave and get it. $50.87. 50. 87. He never even updated his phone number or address when we moved. So, I called him four times. Left a message the fourth time and told him. He either has a new deductible or needs toupdare his stuff. Called a fifth time a half hour later. Still nothing. Get home. Oh, turns out he wasn't home. You couldn't answer the phone cause you weren't at the house? And then, he gets home and blames it on me. "Well, I guess I'm not getting it or the other one." "I don't need it or anything". Never mind the fucking fact that I walked ten blocks in -10 weather so, Fade gave me one of his old jackets cause, mine got as hole in it. And, you know, a simple "That was nice of him" would hace sufficed. No, I got "Why do you keep taking stuff from him?" "You're just using him." Okay, number one, it's a jacket that he kept from like middle school cause, his mom made it for him. It doesn't even fit anymore. It's not like he gave me the one he had one. Two, it's -10 out and I had to walk through town. I wouldn't have had a jacket without. And, Three, the fact that he even gave it to me given where it came from. But, no, we're not going to get any information, we're just going to assume I'm constantly taking from him.

Can he just stop for like two seconds omg
YOU WALKED TEN BLOCKS THATS A DOUBLE DIGET
is that like a mile
FOR HIM
and its his own fault because he said 5 and it was 50, if you only went with five how does he expect you to pay for it

It's probably about 1/4 to a 1/2 but, in -10 weather it feels like forever, oh my God.
I always have my debit card with me but like, I couldn't even buy my one game today cause, we didn't have it.  And, I don't see how it's fair that I would pay $50 for HIS prescription when he makes me pay for all my own stuff and  I'm already giving him $100 to help with health insurance anyway.

And now he's all pissed off that I went out to Jacob's even though I told him at the begining of the week because it has to be related to what happened earlier. No, can you not be so self centered? I said earlier this week..

I have been told 12 city blocks is a mile
like why would you do it in the first place like thats a lot

Thats hisown fault for forgetting.

They're not city blocks, this place isn't quite that big.
Seriously.

I'm just sick of him trying to make everything my fault.

I wish they'd understand how toxic they are.
Every time I say no, and I don't fucking yell it or anything I just say "No I don't need that" I don't need anything from there you don't gotta fucking force me to go with you
but it's just YOU'RE GOING ANYWAY YELL YELL THE PEOPLE THREE HOUSES DOWN CAN HEAR ME TIRED OF YOUR EXCUSES BLAH BLAH
That's fucking disgusting, I'm an adult, I don't need anything from there, why can't you just respect my fucking answer and go and get your own thing without me?
every time I say no it's never fucking respected. I'm forced to do every thing like a 10 year old.
They respect my brother, hell his room is like an apartment room as far as they're concerned.
They don't force him to do ANYTHING they treat him like an adult with a licence. um????
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE ME?

I so sorry they do that to you. No one should be treated like that. Especially you, just because you're mild mannered doesn't mean you should be pushed around like that.

Well me being tired of being pushed around and disrespected = fuck what you say you're going anyway as loudly as possible.

That's how it always is with Dad. Everything's fine until you disagree. Then it's nothing but, yelling.  I don't understand it at all. I'm sorry..

*walks in about to light up a cig*

I'm this close to give up relationships entrely. I hope my posts doesn't get deleted otherwise I'm going to feel like I'm being ignored here. Which is fustrating

Lol why is there an ad on Astroglide? Someone likes porn lol xD